Wallowing

Walking around all day today feeling very sad. Tried to shake it. Finding it hard. Feeling sorry for myself. Feeling all round unhappy. My children, however are the antidote. Their laugh, their hugs, even their screeches pull out of the very sad place I let myself go today.

Today marks the 7th anniversary of my mother's passing. Incredibly, sometimes it's still raw. I think being back in the city where I was seven years ago has brought back a bit more of the bite. I don't know. Maybe it's just the mood I'm this year.

I know that on a day like today, more than ever, it's important to celebrate the life we have and those around us that we love. I know it, but right now I think I'd rather get some chocolate, popcorn and a really sappy movie and just cry. maybe a couple of screams, you know, for good measure. While I don't want to be alone, I don't particularly want anyone to be near me....I do want to be close enough, so that when my kids laugh I can hear it.

I want to indulge my feelings of melancholy. Is that so bad?

How do you deal with those times when you want to wallow.

Nana's dead and other ways to make your 3 year old cry

So Little Mr. Man started pre-school yesterday. What a momentous day! I think he was a little nervous, but you never could tell, because as soon as he found the box of trains & train tracks he let go of my hand and was off. As I stood there watching him, trying to ingrain the moment in my mind (because of course I forgot my camera AND phone at home), I couldn't help but feel proud of him and sad. Sad for myself, him and his little sister.

You see, it was 6 years ago that my amazing mother passed away.

Of course, being a motherless mother, I romanticize the relationship I would have had with my mother and how wonderful it would have been to share my journey through motherhood with her. Of course, my relationship with my mother was by no means perfect when she was alive, but it had improved greatly over the years and really whose going to fault me for trying to eek out some 'good' after loosing my mom.

Ever since Little Mr. Man's birth I've talked about Nana (my Mom) and tried tell him at least once a week how she loves him, etc. At the beginning, I'd even 'buy' him presents from her, but you know that may just get weird as the kids get older! My goal though is to keep her memory alive as much as possible so the kids have the chance to 'get to know her'.

Anyhow, as I was lighting a memorial candle for my Mom this morning, LMM pipes up and asks what I was doing and of course WHY. I explained to him that I was lighting a candle in memory of Nana, my Mom. WHY? Because she no longer lives on the planet (we were just talking about planets before). WHY? Well, because she died. COMPLETE SILENCE followed by what I'm sure was a QUIVERING LIP. OMG....did I really just make my first born cry by telling him his Nana was dead?! And you wonder why I named this blog "maybe tomorrow I'll be a better mother"...better than "Maybe tomorrow I'll ruin my son's day by telling him his Nana's dead, there is no Santa Claus and the tooth fairy's a hoax"!!!

10 hours later, my husband walks in the house and the first things LMM says to him is "Nana's dead Dada". Oh dear, we're in for a long couple of days!

So tell me, how have you handled the issue of death with your little ones?